When you get older you start to realize what it really means to be mature, wise. You start to realize what it is like to be an adult. And it is not an easy thing. Our brains are wired so that any experience that seems too difficult or out of daily routine is immediately met with resistance. Which ironically makes it so difficult to grow, to be wise, to be an adult.
As a writer, it’s the opposite. The thinking-mind is usually more active with the writer. It begs for new experiences. And the writer’s mind constantly wants to talk about what triggers us, what challenges us, and what we have learned.
The problem with writers, even the ones with the greatest integrity, is that we can only talk about the things that we know, and tell our stories from our perspectives only.
The danger is that it’s very easy to get lost in the translation of these stories. We get so caught up in the stories themselves and wanting to tell them that we forget the most important part of being a writer: Our audience.
As important as it is for everyone to have a voice and to be able to express their opinions, we have to understand that in our patriarchal society, male writers have the responsibility to narrate their stories from a place of compassion, not pity, and with awareness and understanding, rather than the hypermasculinity that we’re so accustomed to.
Writing has always been a way for us to communicate with each other, and it makes up a big part of history. It is one of the canals that we choose to use to depict our current situation, as a sort of blueprint for the world and future generations.
From renaissance to modern day, writing has helped us understand more about our history and introduced us to some of the greatest minds that our world has ever seen.
As a writer, I take that seriously. So when I’m writing, I try to paint a faithful picture of what I am trying to convey. But I am also a man, a male writer and I understand what that means.
Recently, I was faced with the decision of writing about dating in times of covid. My focus was on online dating vs in person dating during covid. The idea was good, and my point was to make it about connection. I believe that connection should be at the very core of every human existence, may it be a hookup, a love story that starts on Tinder, or a friendship that you find on the streets of New York, or wherever you live.
So it was time for me to talk about my human connections and for the purpose of the story, I needed to share my experiences dating online and in person.
Seems like a very simple task, it’s not.
It’s 2021, and the male ego has never been more fragile, we’re crying and whining about things that women have to put up with for centuries. When it comes to my words, my general anxiety is how people are going to perceive them, if they’re going to understand the point. I don’t want my 19 year-old self reading my stories and thinking that it is ok to stop women on the street or that a Tinder date can only lead to one thing. It is my responsibility as a man to educate the younger generation so our future could look a little equal.
In a world flooded by man’s ego, I think it’s important for us, men, to give even more space for women to tell their own stories. I believe, as noble as my intentions were, that the world doesn’t need any more stories from another male writer about his experiences with women. It’s time to change the narrative.
Sure, I could’ve tried to write the article in a more androgynous way but that’s the point of this post, there’s just no way to do that. If the experience itself can’t be neutral, how can narrating it be?
There’s one thing that I learn about being single in my 30’s and that is that the experiences of being single as a man is completely different from being a woman and quite frankly, it is unfair. Now things have changed since the 90’s, Sex and the City is proof of it, but the reality is that unless you are a very attractive woman who likes to explore her sexuality, men still get the long end of the stick in the dating scene, and that is perpetrated by hyper-masculinity in writing or movies. So our job as male writers is to change that. You shouldn’t have to choose between being a compassionate human and being a writer. Not everything needs to be out there, and I hope my male colleagues can follow me on this path. It’s time to change things, it’s time to stop talking and to listen. This time is now.