(An experiment with the mind and negative energy). This is a good one, I promise.
I’ve been doing really well with my mental health and spiritual practice lately. I’m not only back to a place that I was 10 months ago, but I have transcended it. I’ve graduated from having precognition and vivid dreams to literally having manifestation at will.
If I really and truly want something, I know how to get it, as long as my wish doesn’t take away the power or the freedom of the people involved.
We live in a cooperative world.
To take it a little deeper, I can take care of my health at will, stop disease even before it starts, make pain disappear etc... and I can do this if I'm the only one involved.
Now- If we talk about relationships with other people for instance, whether it is a job that you want or just a relationship, you cannot make a specific type of work or person be in your life.
They have to be willing to give you that job as well, or be in the relationship with you.
I use these two examples because in my experience money and relationships are the cause of most people’s suffering.
The mind makes you feel insecure and fearful of what it means to lose a loved one, a relationship, money, a job.
So yesterday I unknowingly did an experiment.
It first started with a regular trigger, a trauma from my past, that led to me freaking out for a few seconds.
At first, I sent out a quick tweet about it, but then I realized that I could make this thing a post, make it deeper, and help people.
So I deleted the tweet.
But for me to write this post, I needed to be in character, I needed to “freak out.”
So I did, because that’s how the universe works, ask(even if it’s unknowingly) and you shall receive.
The whole thing has some sort of comedy to it, but so does life. I often joke that my life is a beautiful dramedy that I create for myself. This is a new joke but if you look at my life and analyze every step of it, you’ll see it.
I didn’t realize that until my mom told me a few months ago or perhaps a year back that I always “upgrade” when it comes to relationships, but each time one ends, I freak out about it.
I know I am using the expression freaking out a lot.
And It might sound like I’m not taking this life seriously, but that’s exactly the point, life isn’t that serious. I promise you guys. I’m not joking, this time.
Anyway! Here's what happened yesterday and here’s why I’m writing about it.
I had a pretty good day and a nice weekend. I had to cancel a last-minute trip that I was supposed to take but that’s ok. My book sales are doing well. We’ve sold out the few copies that we put out when we released it and we’ve been having difficulties fulfilling orders since then, but don’t worry, you can still get your copy, you might just need an additional one or two business days to receive it.
So, things are working out pretty well. This blog is doing great. We’ve been seeing a lot more traffic and though we would still like to reach more people, we’ve been having an average of two or three new subscribers every day, which is awesome, considering we don’t do anything to promote it. We don’t even promote our book.
So, things are good, at least, in our professional life.
But yesterday when I got home, pretty excited, but tired from the day, and all I wanted to do was to be in my bed, watch Seinfeld, perhaps, eat a cookie and go to sleep.
However, when I got inside my building, I met with my neighbor, who is an amazing guy I’ve gotten closer to recently because of this blog. He helps me sometimes with editing these posts and we’ve formed an amazing relationship around meditation. He is pretty excited about everything that I write and encourages my courage and determination for writing what I write.
He’s a nice guy.
Lately, he’s been meditating too and it’s changed his life, which he thanked me for and is happy about. He even told me, in other words, that he’s pretty excited to get to where I am.
And that’s where things went “wrong.”
All of a sudden I felt this familiar feeling of vulnerability. This guy actually likes me, he thinks that I’m cool, no, he thinks that I’m great, you could see it in his eyes.
And that’s a feeling that I ran away from my entire life.
Now- we’re not going to talk about my past traumas, again. But growing up, I had to sort of create a new personality to protect myself. I had to learn not to be vulnerable because I associated vulnerability with pain. After all, the first time I told a girl that I loved her, she didn’t say it back, and the first girl that I thought that I was going to marry, lied to me about being pregnant and broke up with me on the eve of a national exam that would lead me to college. So yeah, there was no way that I actually “like” people, let alone, love them.
And if you add that to what was going on in my house with my then abusive father, I was a mess, to put it lightly.
Until recently I didn’t take praise, like a regular person would.
I thrive in pain, and suffering, because that’s all I know. That’s how I prepared myself to enter the world with.
Then I was recently in this relationship that changed everything.
I was all of a sudden seen for who I am, and I was being loved and praised constantly. It took a while to get used to it, and even then, I really didn’t believe it.
In fact, I believed the opposite. My default mode was to constantly question people's motive, yet, I'd look for approval from them and others, like I used to with my dad.
I sought love and approval from abusive partners, relationships, partners, landlords, whatever.
It was a stressful and an exhausting way to live, but it was all I knew.
It was normal to me.
Growing up, I would bring A- grades home and my dad would be like, why couldn’t you get an A+,
I’d bring the A+ home, and he would find some small details about why I shouldn’t have gotten an A+, like not putting a comma in a sentence.
My defense mechanism became never getting an A+, because then I’d be setting the standards too high.
If I was getting beaten up from going from an A- to a B+ in math, what would happen to me if I started to get A+ everywhere, then slipped?
That was my life. And I carried that to my adulthood.
When things are starting to become too good, I find a way to sabotage them, it is safer for me. It’s the way I’ve always done things. It protects me.
The last time this happened, I hurt a lot of people, people who were close to me, people with whom I’ve let my guard down and cared for.
With all the success that I’ve been experiencing lately, and my neighbor telling me how great I am, for a second, I went back to that familiar feeling, my defense mechanism.
I went upstairs and was disoriented. I didn’t remember what my plans for the night were. I quickly made myself a hot chocolate and ate some cookies. I needed something sweet, it always makes me feel better.
But that feeling only lasts for a few seconds, then you start looking for something deeper, better to fill up that whole again.
Sometimes, it’s just a relationship or a one-night stand, sometimes it’s drugs and alcohol, but I needed to do something, anything but meditate.
Then it hit me: I’m no longer that person. I have tools now to combat this feeling. I know how life works. I’ve had proof of it. I can create my own reality and literally switch focus, within seconds. I can go from being so sad, or angry at any given situation to being totally happy and blissful before my depression even knows what’s happening.
I’m doing great in this area, but like I said in my last post, negative thoughts bring you more negative thoughts, and therefore negative experiences.
Besides I asked, so I shall be given.
The universe doesn’t care if it’s for a social experiment.
So, for a split of seconds, I remembered all of this and the next, I forgot all of it. And I started to eat the cookies.
But I wasn’t going to let this depressive feeling win this time. I came from way too far to let this happen. I’ve suffered way too much to go back to that place. I decided to send out a quick positive tweet about my neighbor to sort of switch my focus.
When that didn’t work, I decided to go for a run, despite it being 30 degrees outside. I came back and did a little meditation, but that didn’t work either, so I went to sleep with the thought of writing this post in my mind.
I wanted to see where this could go and how I deal with it, in order to help other people. I wanted it to be an experiment, and I was the lab rat.
Well, I woke up this morning with a terrible migraine. I didn’t sleep enough. I had a precognitive dream about something that I was working on, which was nice, but otherwise I felt terrible this morning.
But I wanted to write this post before I switch my focus again. I wanted to tell you that you have the power to change your focus and your life. That you can choose to be happy, no matter what’s going on in your life.
If you can’t switch your focus at will, you still have cookies. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re doing great. And if you can, when you’re going through these depressive moments, talk to a friend, your therapist, your lover, watch a funny movie, eat a whole box of cereal if you want, drink wine, whatever you need to do to make yourself happy. Because the state of mind in which you go to bed carries you the next day.
A few months ago, if this had happened to me, it would’ve definitely ruined my day today. Instead, I choose to focus on the positive. I had a great experiment. It’s time for me to let it go now. I’m going to meditate, run (before the snow starts). I’m going to work, have a good day, and perhaps enjoy the snow.
If you’re like me, carrying past traumas and depression, I promise you, there’s hope. You can get better and you will.
I love you so much and I believe in you. Now get up and do something fun. Life is about having fun.
Have an excellent day.
Namaste!
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